Do you feel ready for a relationship?

[Melanie]

I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be ready for one after years of a manipulative weirdo whose most recent photo was from 2014, who never video called me once or, two years before I dumped him, talked to me anywhere but email. Among many other things.

But this year I met someone wonderful through a longtime friend, fast forward some months, and we're in a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship, have met in person three times (most recently we stayed in a hotel together for two weeks in his town), video call when we have the chance, etc. It turns out we go together super well, and I've never gotten comfortable around someone faster. We met each other at the exact right time.

[SpookyZalost]

So, it took me a long time to find someone I enjoy being with, had a couple false starts, she and I are good friends, but she was in an on again off again relationship with this idiot who didn't appreciate her.

That and a lot of self esteem stuff.

Finally managed to win her over after she'd given up on things when she had a serious medical issue and my knowledge actually gave me a good idea what was going on, I was there at 11pm, got her to the hospital before complications made things worse, and stayed with her until her family could make it in the morning.

Suffice to say this combined with my seemingly endless ability to solve problems and genuine interest kinda tipped things over that last hill, the previous close friendship already kind of hopping the line back and forth.  Not like it would change much other than a greater sense of security with the mutual interest.  There's also a greater sense of trust if her subconscious behavior is accurate.

my advice regarding relationships...
First, often women try to hide when they have problems, they become frustrated and it builds up.

Try to be there without being overly intrusive.  It was hard for me because I'd taught myself to read body language to better understand people so it's difficult to hide things from me, instead use that to randomly cheer them up or surprise them, it often throws whatever negatives they're having onto the back burner and makes things less bad.

Second, it's scientifically proven that chocolate actually help balance hormones, especially in women so in small amounts it's a good thing, I often carry some with me and if they're struggling with something, my first question is, much like Dr who and his jelly candy, "Would you like something chocolate?"

Sure it's a weird behavior but it's science, who can argue? Lol.

MY third piece of advice is patience.  Go with the flow, understand that everyone is different and try to listen for details when they want to tell you something.  The strongest way to deepen a relationship is to build trust, if they have your ear they'll trust you and want to open up more, this in turn makes the first point easier.

Finally, compromise, find ways to solve minor problems by being pragmatic, make both sides happy, if it's things like where to go or what to eat, make a game of it.  People like people who are fun and interesting.  In my case I often flip a coin or roll a dice after narrowing down the options.  And if she's not happy with something it's obvious so I simply ask if she'd prefer a different one, this is good for preventing that internalization and anxiety since it makes it clear that it's ok to say if they have a problem.

Unfortunately I can't really give better advice right now, but I will say these bits of info made my current relationship better than my last one wich ended in friendship after irreconcilable differences, or the one before which I was an idiot and didn't focus on anything but trying to fix her... Yeah don't do that.

[Cory]

I'm to the point where I honestly wish the last girl I asked out would move away to a different city or something so I wouldn't have to think about her and the situation I originally put myself in. We only work 3 hours with each other a week, but every time I see a mere sight of her my brain starts to hurt again because I tend to overthink things. She's 1 out of 3 women that I asked out that still works at the same place I work at, the other 2 have vanished, which I am thankful for so we can move on with our life. Granted, I didn't have as many feelings for the 2 girls that already left compared to the girl that still works with me, but I think it alleviated some of the mixed feelings I had for them.

I'm personally an idiot for asking her out in the first place when I obviously wasn't ready for a relationship, the fact that she's a lot younger than me, and the fact that I'm clearly not considered relationship-material because little to no women have paid attention to me during my lifetime, it's like I'm a dead carcass lying on the road that everyone just runs over and doesn't give a second thought about. There's my bad self-esteem kicking in again, one of the many reasons I'll never be in a relationship.

I should have left it at the point where when she said let's just be friends I would actually befriend her and not be a clingy moron. I suppose you live and learn, now I know in the future that I won't push so many boundaries and just try and take things a whole lot slower, starting off with friendship, not that I'm any better at making friends than being in a relationship. I'm pretty hopeless altogether when it comes to making friends and being in a relationship. It's like I can't be bothered because I take rejection too harshly, I don't even know where to begin, or I consider the world a bunch of overbearingly judgemental hypocrites that talk the talk and do not walk the walk.

I'm sorry if this post or any of my posts seem off-topic to the thread at hand and sorry if I seem so negative. This is the best topic I could find that alleviates my never-ending pain of how big of a failure I am in the world of relationships.

[Kyng]

I'm to the point where I honestly wish the last girl I asked out would move away to a different city or something so I wouldn't have to think about her and the situation I originally put myself in. We only work 3 hours with each other a week, but every time I see a mere sight of her my brain starts to hurt again because I tend to overthink things. She's 1 out of 3 women that I asked out that still works at the same place I work at, the other 2 have vanished, which I am thankful for so we can move on with our life. Granted, I didn't have as many feelings for the 2 girls that already left compared to the girl that still works with me, but I think it alleviated some of the mixed feelings I had for them.

I'm personally an idiot for asking her out in the first place when I obviously wasn't ready for a relationship, the fact that she's a lot younger than me, and the fact that I'm clearly not considered relationship-material because little to no women have paid attention to me during my lifetime, it's like I'm a dead carcass lying on the road that everyone just runs over and doesn't give a second thought about. There's my bad self-esteem kicking in again, one of the many reasons I'll never be in a relationship.

I should have left it at the point where when she said let's just be friends I would actually befriend her and not be a clingy moron. I suppose you live and learn, now I know in the future that I won't push so many boundaries and just try and take things a whole lot slower, starting off with friendship, not that I'm any better at making friends than being in a relationship. I'm pretty hopeless altogether when it comes to making friends and being in a relationship. It's like I can't be bothered because I take rejection too harshly, I don't even know where to begin, or I consider the world a bunch of overbearingly judgemental hypocrites that talk the talk and do not walk the walk.

I'm sorry if this post or any of my posts seem off-topic to the thread at hand and sorry if I seem so negative. This is the best topic I could find that alleviates my never-ending pain of how big of a failure I am in the world of relationships.

Sorry to hear that, and I hope the awkwardness fades over time (if it hasn't done so already).

I know you've spoken in the past about relationships being a waste of time. And I agree to an extent - in that I consider actively seeking out a relationship (e.g. by dating) to be a waste of my time. Just going out with random women, and not knowing what to talk about with them (or what, if anything, I have in common with them) just sounds completely un-fun to me . I'm not saying it's impossible to find a great partner by doing this (because it certainly is possible), but I don't think it's a recipe for finding them. I'd probably have to sift though a lot of unsuitable partners before I find one who's a good match for me - and IMO it's just not worth the effort or the stress.

For me, it really only works if it happens organically, i.e. if I meet them over the course of my daily life. Which, of course, takes a lot of time (it could take months, or even years). Of course, the more you put yourself out there, the more chance you have of finding someone sooner - but, that doesn't mean going out with the specific aim of finding a partner. It means doing things that you enjoy, because you enjoy them. And if you find anybody by doing that - then, that's a bonus. (And the entire relationship-forming process is far less awkward, since you already know you have something in common with them !)

[Cory]

Sorry to hear that, and I hope the awkwardness fades over time (if it hasn't done so already).

I know you've spoken in the past about relationships being a waste of time. And I agree to an extent - in that I consider actively seeking out a relationship (e.g. by dating) to be a waste of my time. Just going out with random women, and not knowing what to talk about with them (or what, if anything, I have in common with them) just sounds completely un-fun to me . I'm not saying it's impossible to find a great partner by doing this (because it certainly is possible), but I don't think it's a recipe for finding them. I'd probably have to sift though a lot of unsuitable partners before I find one who's a good match for me - and IMO it's just not worth the effort or the stress.

For me, it really only works if it happens organically, i.e. if I meet them over the course of my daily life. Which, of course, takes a lot of time (it could take months, or even years). Of course, the more you put yourself out there, the more chance you have of finding someone sooner - but, that doesn't mean going out with the specific aim of finding a partner. It means doing things that you enjoy, because you enjoy them. And if you find anybody by doing that - then, that's a bonus. (And the entire relationship-forming process is far less awkward, since you already know you have something in common with them !)

The awkwardness has died down, now it just seems like anger and frustration at this point. I may very well deserve to be angry at for certain situations, like where she just tried to be my friend and I wanted something more apparently, but I am only human which means I learn from my mistakes and I think this girl I asked out is where I started coming to so many realizations about relationships in general.

Yeah, I suppose relationships themself are not the biggest waste of time, but pursuing them can indeed be. I suck at talking to women and even some men to an extent, so I essentially suck at making friends overall; the should-be of a relationship. If I ever do find an SO I really hope it is through natural getting to know one another and conversation. 

I'm more social than I used to be. Actually, my social life has been kind of on and off for years where sometimes I can socialize like your everyday normal human being and other times I close off to the rest of the world, but I think that's mainly when I have too much on my mind.

I'm to the point where I'll let fate decide what to do with me in terms of relationships, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it just doesn't. It's not the end of the world, either way, people have lived and survived through many tragedies of life and a relationship is not a 100% requirement to survive.

[Kyng]

Sorry to hear that, and I hope the awkwardness fades over time (if it hasn't done so already).

I know you've spoken in the past about relationships being a waste of time. And I agree to an extent - in that I consider actively seeking out a relationship (e.g. by dating) to be a waste of my time. Just going out with random women, and not knowing what to talk about with them (or what, if anything, I have in common with them) just sounds completely un-fun to me . I'm not saying it's impossible to find a great partner by doing this (because it certainly is possible), but I don't think it's a recipe for finding them. I'd probably have to sift though a lot of unsuitable partners before I find one who's a good match for me - and IMO it's just not worth the effort or the stress.

For me, it really only works if it happens organically, i.e. if I meet them over the course of my daily life. Which, of course, takes a lot of time (it could take months, or even years). Of course, the more you put yourself out there, the more chance you have of finding someone sooner - but, that doesn't mean going out with the specific aim of finding a partner. It means doing things that you enjoy, because you enjoy them. And if you find anybody by doing that - then, that's a bonus. (And the entire relationship-forming process is far less awkward, since you already know you have something in common with them !)

The awkwardness has died down, now it just seems like anger and frustration at this point. I may very well deserve to be angry at for certain situations, like where she just tried to be my friend and I wanted something more apparently, but I am only human which means I learn from my mistakes and I think this girl I asked out is where I started coming to so many realizations about relationships in general.

Yeah, I suppose relationships themself are not the biggest waste of time, but pursuing them can indeed be. I suck at talking to women and even some men to an extent, so I essentially suck at making friends overall; the should-be of a relationship. If I ever do find an SO I really hope it is through natural getting to know one another and conversation. 

I'm more social than I used to be. Actually, my social life has been kind of on and off for years where sometimes I can socialize like your everyday normal human being and other times I close off to the rest of the world, but I think that's mainly when I have too much on my mind.

I'm to the point where I'll let fate decide what to do with me in terms of relationships, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it just doesn't. It's not the end of the world, either way, people have lived and survived through many tragedies of life and a relationship is not a 100% requirement to survive.

Well, I'm glad the awkwardness has died down, at least. A pity about the anger and frustration, but I hope that fades with time too.

And yeah, with regards to 'letting fate decide': I've honestly been the same way for several years now. I eventually concluded that I sucked at actively pursuing relationships, so I decided to just stop worrying about it, and built a life for myself that I would enjoy with or without someone else in it. Then, I'd let fate decide whether (and when) I should have a special someone in my life. For several years, it didn't happen (and indeed, there were no signs of it happening), and I began to think it never would happen - which was a bit of a shame, but ultimately something I was content with. But then, a couple of months ago, it did happen - and I'm very happy with my wonderful new partner .

Whatever fate has in store for you relationship-wise, I wish you all the best with it!

[Cory]

Well, I'm glad the awkwardness has died down, at least. A pity about the anger and frustration, but I hope that fades with time too.

And yeah, with regards to 'letting fate decide': I've honestly been the same way for several years now. I eventually concluded that I sucked at actively pursuing relationships, so I decided to just stop worrying about it, and built a life for myself that I would enjoy with or without someone else in it. Then, I'd let fate decide whether (and when) I should have a special someone in my life. For several years, it didn't happen (and indeed, there were no signs of it happening), and I began to think it never would happen - which was a bit of a shame, but ultimately something I was content with. But then, a couple of months ago, it did happen - and I'm very happy with my wonderful new partner .

Whatever fate has in store for you relationship-wise, I wish you all the best with it!

I think as long as we keep our distance from each other, the anger and frustration may die down. Perhaps now that I'm mostly over the depressive and clingy stage I went through with her, we could even befriend each other one day. I personally don't see that happening since we seem to try and avoid each other, but you never know what the future holds.

I'm glad to hear you found a partner and they are wonderful! Perhaps one day I'll find a destined partner myself, but I just need to keep focusing on self-improvement before that could ever happen. I'm slowly having a better attitude about some things in life and I try not to let anything or anyone bring me down, so I am slowly improving my overall well-being, I think.

Thanks for all the wise words and encouragement!

[Kyng]

Well, I'm glad the awkwardness has died down, at least. A pity about the anger and frustration, but I hope that fades with time too.

And yeah, with regards to 'letting fate decide': I've honestly been the same way for several years now. I eventually concluded that I sucked at actively pursuing relationships, so I decided to just stop worrying about it, and built a life for myself that I would enjoy with or without someone else in it. Then, I'd let fate decide whether (and when) I should have a special someone in my life. For several years, it didn't happen (and indeed, there were no signs of it happening), and I began to think it never would happen - which was a bit of a shame, but ultimately something I was content with. But then, a couple of months ago, it did happen - and I'm very happy with my wonderful new partner .

Whatever fate has in store for you relationship-wise, I wish you all the best with it!

I think as long as we keep our distance from each other, the anger and frustration may die down. Perhaps now that I'm mostly over the depressive and clingy stage I went through with her, we could even befriend each other one day. I personally don't see that happening since we seem to try and avoid each other, but you never know what the future holds.

I'm glad to hear you found a partner and they are wonderful! Perhaps one day I'll find a destined partner myself, but I just need to keep focusing on self-improvement before that could ever happen. I'm slowly having a better attitude about some things in life and I try not to let anything or anyone bring me down, so I am slowly improving my overall well-being, I think.

Thanks for all the wise words and encouragement!

You're welcome - and thanks !

With regards to the self-improvement, I was very much the same way: one of the reasons why I didn't actively seek anyone out was because I didn't know who would want to date somebody who had my issues. However, because there was no urgency to sort those issues out, I never made a serious effort to fix them . (Indeed, it's only now that I've got a partner that I've found any serious motivation to improve myself. I'm still not there just yet, of course - there are still several things that I need to sort out - but having her in my life has been a very positive influence on me overall, as I have been on her )

[Nilla]

With regards to the self-improvement, I was very much the same way: one of the reasons why I didn't actively seek anyone out was because I didn't know who would want to date somebody who had my issues. However, because there was no urgency to sort those issues out, I never made a serious effort to fix them . (Indeed, it's only now that I've got a partner that I've found any serious motivation to improve myself. I'm still not there just yet, of course - there are still several things that I need to sort out - but having her in my life has been a very positive influence on me overall, as I have been on her )

Yeaaah boy! *cheers* I'm so proud of you and I am so happy for the two of you. Life is much more interesting with someone to share it with, eh?

[Kyng]

With regards to the self-improvement, I was very much the same way: one of the reasons why I didn't actively seek anyone out was because I didn't know who would want to date somebody who had my issues. However, because there was no urgency to sort those issues out, I never made a serious effort to fix them . (Indeed, it's only now that I've got a partner that I've found any serious motivation to improve myself. I'm still not there just yet, of course - there are still several things that I need to sort out - but having her in my life has been a very positive influence on me overall, as I have been on her )

Yeaaah boy! *cheers* I'm so proud of you and I am so happy for the two of you. Life is much more interesting with someone to share it with, eh?

Certainly is ! Although, I wouldn't say we're really at the stage of "sharing our lives" yet: we're probably only going to meet up once a month (or, if we're lucky, twice a month) for the time being.

Still, I hope it's not going to be too long before we can start seeing each other more frequently, and start genuinely sharing our lives with one another !