09-13-2020, 07:26 PM
Well I have my own deep thoughts on this subject because of my personal experience and I will give some background on it first, so it is easier to understand:
If anyone has ever asked themselves what the scar is on my chest when you see it in my horrible selfies I post in the "Pictures of you" thread, it is because I was born with a very complex congenital heart defect. I had three open heart surgeries, the last one being when I was five years old. After I was born my face turned purple and I had lost a lot of oxygen to my brain. Anyway, my father had said that it would have been better if I had died and the cardiologists gave me a death sentence right when I was born because they said I wouldn't live past 30 years old. I'm 25 now. So according to them, I only have five more years of my life to live. At the beginning of this year, I had to go get some usual check-ups on my heart in the hospital. I had a cardiac catheterization (if you don't know what it is, look it up because it's too difficult for me to explain), an MRI and I had to have four tubes of blood taken from me. I was all jacked up on the crap they put into me and it took my body over a couple weeks to finally get it out of me. Anyway, while I was in recovery and waking up from my anesthesia, the doctor that performed my cardiac catheterization told my family that I was entering the very early stages of heart failure. This had come as a shock to everyone except Tim because he knew that it was eventually going to happen, but he was still sad nonetheless.
After I found this out, the first thing I told Tim to do was to tell Kyng. I felt like my whole life was coming to an end soon. I thought I was going to die. I asked CJ what his plan would be if I died. Although to be honest, I lived my whole life as a kid/teenager like it was my last day on earth even if sometimes I took life for granted. Ever since the day I could fathom my medical condition, I lived like that. I was scared. I wish I hadn't had been born and I thought I was cursed from the day I was born. I wished I could have done things other kids could do like play sports, run around, do things without getting out of breath. It really dampened my view on life and I think that is why sometimes I come off as bitter. It wasn't fair and I still think it isn't. But I realize that life is a gift... you are only here for so long and it shouldn't ever be taken for granted.
I came home after those tests and I laid in the bath crying and feeling miserable. I was afraid. What would happen to my family? I didn't want to leave. I didn't want Tim and CJ to be alone, I didn't want my family to have to deal with the loss of me. I will admit I am still afraid. I guess when my final days are around the corner, my opinion will change. If Tim dies before me, I probably will go soon after him because I would die of a broken heart. I know that sounds pretty grim, but he is my other half and he makes me one person. However, my attitude has changed since then. I'm not afraid right now. I plan to live a regular human life span and I don't think I am going to drop dead the next day like I did when I was a kid.
So to make a long story short, it pains me to think how miserable the people who are close to me and know me would feel.
If anyone has ever asked themselves what the scar is on my chest when you see it in my horrible selfies I post in the "Pictures of you" thread, it is because I was born with a very complex congenital heart defect. I had three open heart surgeries, the last one being when I was five years old. After I was born my face turned purple and I had lost a lot of oxygen to my brain. Anyway, my father had said that it would have been better if I had died and the cardiologists gave me a death sentence right when I was born because they said I wouldn't live past 30 years old. I'm 25 now. So according to them, I only have five more years of my life to live. At the beginning of this year, I had to go get some usual check-ups on my heart in the hospital. I had a cardiac catheterization (if you don't know what it is, look it up because it's too difficult for me to explain), an MRI and I had to have four tubes of blood taken from me. I was all jacked up on the crap they put into me and it took my body over a couple weeks to finally get it out of me. Anyway, while I was in recovery and waking up from my anesthesia, the doctor that performed my cardiac catheterization told my family that I was entering the very early stages of heart failure. This had come as a shock to everyone except Tim because he knew that it was eventually going to happen, but he was still sad nonetheless.
After I found this out, the first thing I told Tim to do was to tell Kyng. I felt like my whole life was coming to an end soon. I thought I was going to die. I asked CJ what his plan would be if I died. Although to be honest, I lived my whole life as a kid/teenager like it was my last day on earth even if sometimes I took life for granted. Ever since the day I could fathom my medical condition, I lived like that. I was scared. I wish I hadn't had been born and I thought I was cursed from the day I was born. I wished I could have done things other kids could do like play sports, run around, do things without getting out of breath. It really dampened my view on life and I think that is why sometimes I come off as bitter. It wasn't fair and I still think it isn't. But I realize that life is a gift... you are only here for so long and it shouldn't ever be taken for granted.
I came home after those tests and I laid in the bath crying and feeling miserable. I was afraid. What would happen to my family? I didn't want to leave. I didn't want Tim and CJ to be alone, I didn't want my family to have to deal with the loss of me. I will admit I am still afraid. I guess when my final days are around the corner, my opinion will change. If Tim dies before me, I probably will go soon after him because I would die of a broken heart. I know that sounds pretty grim, but he is my other half and he makes me one person. However, my attitude has changed since then. I'm not afraid right now. I plan to live a regular human life span and I don't think I am going to drop dead the next day like I did when I was a kid.
So to make a long story short, it pains me to think how miserable the people who are close to me and know me would feel.
Jarkko smells
Elton John lion by Pyrite. Thanks!
Elton John lion by Pyrite. Thanks!
Lurker Wrote:"Wine, Elton John, and Fumbo" basically covers everything you said at that time