Lord of the Rigs: The Battle of Magdeburg

[JHG]

After the council of Ruthenia, Griselda the King of the realm of Magdeburg far northwest of Ruthenia neighboring the Mountain Kingdom of the Gurkhandis received an offering from Lord Sturgeon to join in an alliance. She and the Mountain Queen Dania rejected the offer on the belief it was just a ploy to turn them into colonies(which it was just for the record.) The plan was to have fortify the Mountain's entrance and rely on hidden traps and bug the enemy into an assault. After a few weeks of prep, the invasion struck from an ally of the Sturgeon Dominion, the Heliosan Empire with its signature solar themed banner. The Heliosan forces struck hard and fast with musket fire and arrows while charging forward. The Magdeburgian forces stood firm and returned fire. Despite the ferocity of their enemy, the formations held fast. Then, knights rushed onwards to attack the Heliosan lines and for a time it seemed like Magdeburg would win. Then the Heliosan knights with their signature horned helmets joined the fray and soon, they were breaking their weakened adversaries. The Magdeburgian forces were forced into a retreat with Griselda injured with a bloody arm and a rib popped. Now the traps were sprung but now the Heliosans were cautious after the first line got caught in spikes. Now they Gurkhandis just exchanged fire with their attackers but even this wasn't enough. The Heliosans kept up a deadly streak of fire and now the siege commenced. Despite having already lost the use of an eye and having joint pain, Dania was still not too old to swat at attacking Heliosans over her dying friend. Hours became days and the Mountain Kingdom was starting to have to demand everyone share food. A scout then reported the Heliosans had redeployed some of their forces. The Heliosan commander heard of a possible rear attack after Gondolinian victory in the Battle of the Fruited Plains. Now the newly crowned King Angela and Queen Thalia rallied their troops in a counterattack and soon the Heliosan army was in disarray. The battle was victorious!

[Kyng]

Well, it has some potential, but it is a bit short .

Perhaps start by reintroducing everybody - so that you're not just assuming the readers already know who everyone is?

Also, perhaps add a bit more description and detail to the battle scenes - so that it's clearer to us exactly what dangers the heroes are facing? (And also, making them longer would help build some tension: as it is, the battle feels like it's over before it's started )

[JHG]

Well, it has some potential, but it is a bit short .

Perhaps start by reintroducing everybody - so that you're not just assuming the readers already know who everyone is?

Also, perhaps add a bit more description and detail to the battle scenes - so that it's clearer to us exactly what dangers the heroes are facing? (And also, making them longer would help build some tension: as it is, the battle feels like it's over before it's started )

Maybe an intro tying in more with Lord of the Rigs could work.
Definitely would do a more dragged out battle as in the vanilla Lord of the Rings, the Battle of Dale was incredibly hard fought and a desperate struggle(although out of focus.) Plus, in Lord of the Rigs it's Samurai against Hessians and Stormtroopers(looks wise.)
Also, this is the first spin-off since the reference sheet!