Rejection

[Cory]

How well do you handle rejection when it comes to making friends or being in a relationship?

I don't handle it so well myself, I always feel like it's a problem with myself and not necessarily the other person. Although if I'm a nice, pleasant, civilized person towards another person and they reject me, then I suppose it could be their problem. I don't even really try and make friends or build a relationship with someone because I'm so harsh on myself when it comes to their rejection. I fear I'll be judged for external factors that are beyond my control. I really need to start having the attitude that if I am indeed a nice, pleasant, civilized person and people reject me then it's not a problem with me, but them.

[Kyng]

I used to hate it, to the point where I struggled to approach anyone. I was so lacking in self-confidence that I thought people would reject me immediately - so, I didn't attempt to make many friends, and attempting to date was completely out of the question.

Nowadays, though, I'm less scared of it. Sure, it's possible that I've done something wrong - and if I have, then I'll try to learn for it - but equally, it could be them with the problem, or it might be that neither of us has a problem, and we're just not good fits for one another. It sucks, but it happens.

[Moonshroom]

I still don't know how to handle it and I suspect that I never will.

It makes me mad and sad, to the point of thinking that I did something wrong even in cases where it wasn't the case (like when I found out that bunch of people I had never even interacted with had me blocked on Twitter). I'd cry for days when someone I cared about rejected me and I once even skipped school because I was so devastated. Nowadays my "technique" is a little bit different, but still pretty stupid: I would put up such a wall and suppress the person's existence to such an extent and to the point where not even the frigging Great Wall of China could shield as much as I do. This is probably an unhealthy coping mechanism, but meh.

[Mystique]

Rejections of any kind, to me, are a sign that the universe is just making room for much better, and brighter things to enter into one's life.

[Shiny Star]

Friendships

Growing up, I had an intense fear of rejection. At primary and secondary school, I was a bit of an outcast. It wasn't that I wasn't social but it was more that the other kids dismissed me and I wasn't really able to approach them myself. When I did, I remember that they often took advantage of me. For example, playing tag where they'd timeout of the game when I'd catch them because they preferred being caught than chasing others.  I did some clubs outside of school and the people there tended to be a lot nicer but I wouldn't see them on an everyday basis. I remember how isolating this was and for like just over half of my life I didn't really have people I could properly call friends or most people wouldn't even give me a chance to know it. It got particularly worse when I befriended the 'weird kids' as they wanted to be my friend but a lot of people looked down on them.

Anyways, so going to university was the game changer for me. You get a new slate in a way where you meet people that haven't known you your whole life (my primary and secondary school were immediately next to each other) and there's more opportunity to find people with similar interests. I befriended people pretty easily there as I participated in group chats. I found it liberating but strange that me going into university meant it was easy to make friends as opposed to how it was growing up and at school. I'm still in contact with a lot of the people I befriended there and meet up with some of them still. There's most definitely people I met there who didn't like me or we distanced but friendships are about the quality rather than the quantity. In terms of rejection, the way I befriended these people were that I put an effort into everyone I met in the Freshers period, which probably helped as it's designed for people who move across the country to meet new people.

Side note: I learned to socialise and integrate with others by observing people. I also improved my mental health a lot - which you don't always realise but being negative can push people away. It took trial and error to work on this. Kindness goes a long way.

Currently, I would say I have a decent few friends. I don't have that many that I talk to everyday but that's due to everyone getting busier schedules growing up. I talk to 3 without fail like everyday. Post-lockdown did limit this. I have some friendships with people at work but they aren't as intimate as other life domains. I normally have the approach now where I let the general flow of the relationship build up. If I want to be closer, I'll ask to hang out or message the individuals. I also feed back on other people's effort. I do have that fear of rejection still but nowhere near as bad. I do get the fear of missing out a fair amount, especially when I think I've not been invited to a group plan by mistake or my schedule is too busy for me to attend.

Relationships

Relationships are a similar but a whole other playing field. I feel like to have a healthy relationship, you need the structure of a healthy friendship. Boundaries, communication, openness etc but on a deeper level. Growing up, I found the idea of dating someone difficult because I felt unlovable or they would randomly leave me. It's that phrase 'I hate you, don't leave me', which is where I kinda am at. I remember the first person who asked me out I was like 12 and I thought he was taking the piss out of me but I said no. He was actually being serious! I often was the one initially when I started exploring relationships who pushed people away before they got the chance to get closer even if I liked them. I didn't feel ready for that and I definitely wasn't but feeling loved and having companionship is a beautiful feeling. During secondary school, I never really made a move on anyone as I couldn't face the idea of rejection and being humiliated by it. I don't know if this stems from the whole friendship story and this being ingrained into me... probably though.

Even now, I would say that for the last few years my approach has been with people that I am selective on who I talk to and let in in that way. I have had a few relationships, which were often short lived for whatever reason. I normally only really make a move if I am like 99.9% sure that the person is into me or I have a good chance with them. I've rejected a few people because I feel like although it hurts, it's better to nip it in the bud than string the person along and put salt in the wound when the inevitable happens. It doesn't always have to be awkward. However, saying this, I find breakups to be worse than rejection. I feel like a lot of the time a breakup from a relationship hurts a lot more than a rejection of a crush or friend because it's a lot more intimate and you've had some shared romantic or sexual or whatever experiences together.

~relationship drama~

For example, I dated someone August 2020-March 2021 so like 7.5 months right? We were friends for a year or two before that (also a dangerous red flag territory sometimes, not always but let's avoid getting into this). So this person we had a pretty good friendship and we always kinda had that on and off chemistry. The initial move was made towards me and I went along with the hinting and whatever. I was really into this person and emotionally, it was a deep, slow burn type thing for me. However, my ex had mental health issues and life issues that put a big strain on the relationship. I can be a needy person, everyone can be at times but it wasn't anything extra. So, my ex would have these 'don't talk to me periods' where there would be randomly very little texting without warning or explanation. Naturally, I would be confused and felt hurt from being pushed away even if these issues were external to me. For me, I value consistency with a relationship or at least communication for the lack of communication! We talked about this issue and my ex had the mentality of 'well, I don't always know when I get into these moods and I don't want to talk if I don't feel like it'. Which is fair enough but I remember asking if we could check in every few hours during the day for my peace of mind. If either of us were at work, I said that it was okay not to be texting during that period.

Anyway, so this distancing first began every weekend due to work. I got used to it as we still phoned a few times a week. Then, around December 2020 when the government announced the tiers where we couldn't meet up, my ex completely closed off for like 5 days. I didn't say anything at first about it but the messages were very scarce and blunt. We talked about it on the 5th day as I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt as there was some pattern. My ex kinda lashed out and was like 'I just miss you and I'm naturally distancing myself so not seeing you doesn't hurt me as much'. I figured we'd be talking more in this case but everyone reacts differently. My ex also was saying that it would probably be better if we weren't together because of this distancing problem but we talked it out. I wanted to meet for my birthday, which is the 3rd January, outside somewhere and my ex was so busy with work there was no effort to see me on the day but I got a phone call. We didn't see each other that whole month due to the restrictions. My ex chose to phone me most days throughout that whole month, which made me think there was some effort to change.

Then, first week of February I receive a message saying 'just to let you know, I think I am losing feelings for you' even though I was the one who was called most of those times and we hadn't seen each other in 5 weeks due to the law? We ended up meeting the next week and it seemed resolved... for now. In February, my ex started this new job opportunity thing and met a friend there (pretty sure they're dating now) who they would bring up rather than me. I got a bit jealous but was reassured nothing would ever happen between them. The reason we broke up according to my ex was 'because I'm not happy about the way I treat you'. My ex continued to do that distancing thing after some major-ish home life problems. I'd check in like normal to receive messages like 'I'm good' and 'I'm okay' but again, not many messages. So naturally I brought up how I felt shut out and although I know not everyone wants to talk about their issues, it would be nice to receive the basic communication about it or some more honesty. This led to my ex lashing out and getting angry - saying that I was only considering my feelings, which realistically I hadn't been this whole time. My ex threatened to break up and I said think about it for a week before you decide.

Flash forward, a week later, my ex tells me we need to break up. Although I did love this person, at this point I was exhausted and sick of trying to receive the bare minimum from someone who clearly wasn't ready for a relationship, or didn't want a relationship with me. We acted more like a couple than we had in months for a week or two after then magically, my ex got over it all. I called a month later saying that maybe as things had calmed down we could try again. My ex was like 'it's done now. I'm over it and you need to move on', which really hurt. I think it hurt that I put so much effort into pleasing someone and said something to help myself to be shut down like that.

Which leads back to the topic. Rejection. It hurt to be rejected by someone for months and realistically, I should have left sooner after seeing those red flags early on but you know how love is sometimes. My feelings grew over those months and I didn't know I would be dismissed for a way someone else acted toward me. My ex blamed it on the fact that we aren't compatible etc but never really took accountability for the damage. It had a detrimental impact on my mental health where I even went on SRRIs (basically anti-depressants) and was extremely depressed and not motivated for anything. I don't think any rejection in my life has hurt more than the one from my ex, especially since we'd known each other for so long and the move was made on me. Even now when I think of it, I feel a bit sick and it definitely left a mark on me. I'm with someone else now who is a lot better to me but this experience damaged my view on relationships and myself a lot, especially since it went on for some time.

Afterward, my ex got closer to the person who I mentioned before that I shouldn't worry about. I remember my ex mentioned that they went out drinking together and that this person was staying over. Although the social media profile is small, I've seen that they have been dating for many months now. Just before they must have gotten together, must have been only like 2 or 3 months after the breakup, my ex messaged me drunk saying that although I was the ex, there was a new person in the picture and needed advice on it. I was still heartbroken over the end of the relationship and the rejection that after a few reasons to cut this person off, that was the final straw. After that, I would leave messages on delivered for weeks. My ex tried to reach out to me like 3 times since this, with the last time being in September 2021. I physically can't be friends with someone who made my self worth so low without any proper consideration or remorse of it. It's more about how badly I was treated as a person than the relationship itself but those do come hand in hand together.

I'm sure that my ex is in a better place now but wow, that experience isn't one I will forget. It hurts to be rejected, especially from someone who knows you on a deeper level. It makes you question what is wrong with you as a person or overthink what you could have done differently. My ex tried to pin this mostly on the fact that we were not compatible. At least with people I don't really know, although they made that rejection judgement, they don't know who I am as well and it isn't as deep. All rejections are valid but yeah. I have heard that my ex has been like this to people in the past but perhaps with the current, there's been some development and change. I'd have bitterness for that, especially since it was someone I was told not to worry about, but a leopard also doesn't change their spots that quickly and if somehow there was change, at least another victim has been avoided. Let me know what you think about this situation if you've read this far, ahaha.

But yeah, rejection hurts. That's the bottom line.

[slooroo]

Bitter laugh since at this point rejection at EVERYTHING is the norm for me. I only get rejections on jobs, friends, relationship attempts, any writings I send into publications, and so on. Success is practically unknown to me.

[~ True Legend ~]

Bitter laugh since at this point rejection at EVERYTHING is the norm for me. I only get rejections on jobs, friends, relationship attempts, any writings I send into publications, and so on. Success is practically unknown to me.

Sorry to hear that I’ll be your friend !

And of course as Kyng will tell you, you’re always welcome here! TCH is here for you It’s lovely to have you around and we appreciate your contributions here 👍

Of course, we wish you all the best in your real life endeavours too ☺️🤞

[Pyrite]

I used to be terrified of rejection. I've always been a hard worker, but never really did socialising until I went to university, so I didn't have any experience of rejection until then really. The only merit I was being judged on was an academic one, and I was always successful in that. So to start going to university and realise through interactions there that some people weren't going to like me, or just wouldn't be bothered, was a bit of a shock. There's also the fact that I went to university early, which made it a lot harder to form friendships as everyone was older than me.

Of the five close friends I still keep in touch with from university, two arrived in my second year, one in my third year and two in my fourth year. So it was a slow stream of people I did properly click with. But those positive interactions encouraged me not to worry about more negative friendship interactions. Most of us were in the same friendship group in the end, and all helped out at the same international café on Fridays.

In terms of relationships, I honestly didn't really know where to begin. But having gone through a good number of rejections in my time, and one breakup a few years ago, I can say that the breakup was much more scarring than anything else. I won't go into details but that is the thing that I think about more than the rejections, because rather than the imagined enjoyment of that person's company, you reflect on something real that you had and no longer have. Although weirdly in the long run that experience has helped to mature me and embolden me against the worry of romantic rejection - after that it was a lot easier to be brave and ask girls out.

[slooroo]

On romantic love: I guess the worst was one time I was told "You're the greatest guy I ever met but I don't love you." That one was a bit rough. Most just say they're disinterested or "only see me as a brother/uncle" which is a bit of a weird line too sometimes.

[~ True Legend ~]

On romantic love: I guess the worst was one time I was told "You're the greatest guy I ever met but I don't love you." That one was a bit rough. Most just say they're disinterested or "only see me as a brother/uncle" which is a bit of a weird line too sometimes.

I think the brother line is pretty common - not to say it’s not hurtful, but it’s not an uncommon experience to be “best friend” zoned.